Unfortunately, many of us have had those dreadful experiences of Sunday Scaries and yesterday was one of mine. After having a fun night out in the city, the combination of being hungover, going back to school, and the thought of my first week of treatment caused me to have a very scary Sunday.
Thankfully I have a saint of a mother that said she would drive me back to school and even stay for my first day in partial hosp to lessen my fears. My whole entire family has been extremely supportive, but I have to give a special shot out to my mom who has come out to Iowa City for me multiple times already. For those that don’t know her, my mom is the type that would make a 3-hour drive regardless of its convenience, and I am beyond greatful for that.
Having my mom there for my first day is definitely comforting, however, I still have constantly been visualizing how awful my first week will be. The director of the program even told me how on my first day I will think that I made the worst decision of my life by agreeing to do treatment…Thankfully immediately after that statement, she reassured me that once I get over that hump, I will be so happy with my decision.
Saying I am scared for my first day of treatment is an understatement. I don’t envision any of the therapy being too difficult, but being forced to eat what they give me will be hell. I have been eating the same foods everyday while incorporating a long list of rules and tomorrow I will have to break all of that. Although I want to be free from my rules and my bad relationship with food, I am not looking forward to the foods that I will have to eat and knowing I will be gaining weight each week.
Side note: Many times I have listened to people say things like “you need to eat more” or “just eat a cheeseburger (or whatever junk food)” and I want everyone to know never to say that to someone who has an ED. Saying things like that is undermining the disorder and making the solution seem so simple. It is out of one’s control, just like a cancer patient can’t choose whether or not they have cancer.
Anyways, this is why treatment will be beneficial because they will focus on the psychological aspect that I need help with. Obviously if I really wanted I could eat a cheeseburger but all of the thoughts that would attribute would make it not worth it. So as I have just been avoiding these foods, I will now have to expose myself and fight the irrational thoughts. Food has such control over me that I have literally avoided food for years since that seemed easier and as some might see that as just being healthy, it is actually unhealthy and an unenjoyable way to live.
Tomorrow there will be a lot of tears from all of the fears but I know at the end of this it will all be worth it. Although it will be scary, I cannot wait to be free from this disorder.