It might come as a surprise to see me blogging again and to be honest, I am just as surprised. Although I knew I was not fully recovered, when I stopped blogging two years ago I felt that my eating disorder had less control over my life. In my "about" section, I quickly recapped the last two years leading up to now, but my intent is not to focus on the past.
Leaving home and coming to college was a scary thing for me and I never really expected that I would actually come to Iowa. My transition here was far from easy and countless of times I questioned if I would make it. Along with trying to adjust physically, emotionally, socially and academically, my health seemed to be another concern. It was clear to friends, family, and even myself that I had lost an excessive amount of weight and needed to get help. As time went on I felt that the help I was getting was not beneficial and managing school with all the different appointments was just causing me more stress and anxiety.
When I was seeing one of the doctors she told me about an awesome ED program here at school so I decided to take a look into it. The reason why I pursued more help was because I knew I wanted this illness gone but I just felt incapable of doing it on my own. Therapists, doctors, and nutritionists would tell me what I needed to do but I could never get myself to actually do it.
Last week as I was studying for my three midterms I received a call from the head of the ED program telling me how much I would benefit from all of the treatments that they provide. There were three different types of programs and I did not expect to be a candidate for the higher level treatment. As you can imagine this was overwhelming and made studying even more impossible.
Once I failed all of my midterms (jk), I was able to think about my options and figure out what was best for me. I came to the realization that this illness has had control over me for too long and that I needed more intense treatment that you can't get from a weekly counselor and dietician. My mom and I met with the director and we were amazed by the compassion she had and most importantly, the amount of help I would be getting.
I still had a lot of thinking to do as this program would be 8 hours, 5 days a week, for 4-6 weeks and clearly would effect my academics which was one of my biggest concerns. Having to drop a class or two this far into the semester would really stink but in the big scheme of things is not a big deal and my health takes precedence. That being said, this is what I have to do if I want to recover.
Monday will be my first day in partial-hospitalization as well the start to my recovery. I am beyond greatful to have been given this opportunity to receive treatment while continuing to be a student here, as well as to have such supportive family, friends, and new boyfriend:) I know this is going to be very difficult but it is already such a relief knowing that when I come out of this I will finally be free from an illness that has had control over my life for years.
I already know there will be so much that I will learn from this and I am looking forward to sharing my journey.