My most miserable days might have taken place in partial, however, I truly miss it. For the first time since coming to school, I have felt most at home while being in the hospital. I’m sure that sounds pathetic or maybe even crazy, but it’s the truth. If you’ve walked in my shoes, you’d understand why.
So, how can I hold onto a place that caused me so much anxiety, frustration, discomfort, and anger? Where to begin???
I miss being taken of.
I miss others holding me accountable.
I miss being told when to eat, how much to eat, and what to eat.
I miss eating with individuals who are there to struggle with me.
I miss being able to challenge myself with the company of others.
I miss knowing that I will have to get my tray checked.
I miss knowing that I have to finish my meal.
I miss not being able to easily give in to ED.
I miss being able to talk about my issues at any given time.
I miss being around people that saw right through me and my lies.
I miss being able to say “no” to ED, and “yes” to recovering.
I miss being surrounded by individuals who truly understand this disorder.
I miss my partial family.
Lastly, I really miss those monster cookies that I got for free in the hospital!
With all of this sentimental talk, I might be painting a picture of partial hospitalization as some glorious place filled with rainbows and unicorns, but that is far from reality...
Partial was your biggest nightmare.
Partial was a long 8 hours.
Partial was stuck in a hospital.
Partial was anxiety and even anxiety attacks.
Partial was eating one meal that was equivalent to what you consumed in one day.
Partial was discomfort.
Partial was constant fear.
Partial was lying.
Partial was hiding things.
Partial was lack of freedom.
Partial was lack of trust.
Partial was misery.
Partial was shame and guilt.
Partial was disgust.
Partial was using whatever disordered behavior you were capable of.
Partial was a waterfall of tears.
Partial was a blockade in my education.
Partial was never apart of the plan.
Partial was traumatizing.
Aside from this negative depiction, it is, and forever will be, a special place to me. After all, partial did give me some of my life back, and I am forever grateful for it.