I want to take this time and thank you for being the best boyfriend that a girl can ask for. The past five years have flown by and there hasn’t been a day where you haven’t been there for me. During high-school you helped me cope with the fact that I did poorly in school and was scared of my future. I always feared the reality of growing up and being a kid, however, you showed me that I could at least look like one. You gave me the confidence in life that I needed. You told me I looked better if I was under weight and you were even there to take me shopping for the new clothes. You proved to others how good I am at making excuses, denying invites, and isolating myself. Thankyou ED for making me feel that there was something that I was not only good at, but had control over...(little did I find out, I was the one controlled.)
I miss you,
Your purpose in life disgusts me. You have had full control over me the past five years and made me forget about the things that are important. As I envisioned you were there to help me cope with my struggles in school, you were actually distracting me and making things even harder. You publicly humiliated me at social events and told me that it wasn’t ok for me to eat the things that others were. What boyfriend does that???? You took away my vibrant personality and instead, made me isolate and think getting sleep was more important than going out with my friends. You ruined holidays, parties, and events for me because you refused to let me think it was acceptable to engage in traditions. You even managed to make the one day of the year, my birthday, a time that I feared rather than enjoyed. I had plans for my future but our relationship got so psychologically unhealthy that instead of going away to college like my peers, I stayed home. Through therapy with you, I benefitted by becoming more mature, self-aware, and overall learn things that will stick with me for the rest of my life. Although things were paying off for me individually, unfortunately our relationship was still difficult. I ended up staying home another year because we couldn’t continue working on our relationship if I was away. It seemed that you were finally less controlling and that we could manage where we were at, but little did I realize, you just brainwashed me into lying to the individuals that were there to support us. The thing that I despise you the most for is making me believe that after two years of working on our relationship, we were finally set for our future. I hate you for constantly telling me that I looked beautiful at an unhealthy weight when you knew the damage I was doing to achieve that body. I tried breaking up with you when I left for college and that is just when your abuse got worse. You wouldn’t let me go out, you wouldn’t let me eat the things everyone else, you wouldn’t let me wear certain clothes, and most of all, you wouldn’t let me focus on the one thing I came here to do, attend school. I believed you when you told me that I could rely on you to help cope with my challenging transition and I hate you for proving me wrong. I hate you for telling me that I deserved all of the abuse and that there was nothing I could do to protect myself. I am disappointed in myself for letting things get to this point and for not sharing to those who would’ve protected me. You showed me that I was incapable of fully doing things on my own and that I needed to put my life on hold in order to recover from the past 5 years of your abuse. I hate you for convincing me that I would feel better if I lied and hid things, when in reality, it brought shame. I hate you for making me feel defeated and hopeless. I hate you for attributing to my anxiety and all the restless nights pondering what tomorrow will bring.
As I might resent you for taking away years of my life, college experience, and relationships, I would like to thank you for all that you’ve given me. You have brought out my strengths through battling my weaknesses. You have helped identify how brave, considerate, honest, and strong I am. You have showed me not only all of the support I’m surrounded by, but the individuals who are truly there for me. By overcoming obstacles, you have given me the confidence I need to do anything in life. Although I am at a place where I really need to focus on myself, you have showed me I am capable of still putting others first. As I feel like your abuse put me at a disadvantage in life, you actually put me at an advantage by all that I’ve learned. I want to thank you for making me want to quit in order to show me the courage I have to continue.