Diving into the real world seemed like a manageable step, however, after a week of settling in at home, I realized that I took a dive with not enough water. I was not oblivious to the fact that I wasn’t fully ready to discharge, but rather, overpowered by the depressing idea of spending my winter break in a hospital/and lonely apartment, instead of at home with my family. On top of that, I’m sure ED completely supported my decision, knowing that without as much protection, it would be easier for him to get back some control.
As some might already know, after already struggling at home, I came to the conclusion that going back to Iowa would not be in my best interest. I was and still am convinced that going back into what seems like a toxic environment, would just result in me being right back where I started, or even worse.
Figuring out whether to go back to school or not was a very challenging and stressful decision. The best representation I can give of the constant battle I face, is a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Of course, the devil is the voice of ED, the voice continuously telling me that recovery is not in my future and if anything, is a part of me that I need to keep in order to be happy. I know that is far from true, and that is where the angel comes in, the part of me that wants to recover and knows that the only thing preventing me from genuinely being happy, is ED.
I didn’t want to admit it, but the only thing that has made me want to go back to Iowa is that devil on my shoulder knowing that it would be much easier for me to lose the weight that I have restored. Thankfully, that angel on my shoulder has gotten stronger and can identify all of ED’s irrational thinking and minimize his power. There were two distinct paths laid out for my future, either go back to school so I can get worse or stay home to get better.
Although my decision to stay home was far from simple, I can proudly say I made the right choice. Recovery is scary, and honestly, sometimes getting better is more frightening than actually living with an eating disorder. I discretely had the chance to walk away and give ED what he wanted, but that angel was there to realize that the only person I’d be fooling, is myself.
So, my plan is to finish up the year at College of DuPage (where I was before), then attend the University of St. Francis come the fall. Being in a loving and supportive environment is crucial for recovery and I am so fortunate to have that. I am beyond relieved to be home with my family.
Thank you Madeline for taking the time/effort to apply to colleges for me (although might be illegal) and direct me in the right path. Although I get frustrated, thank you for pushing me outside my comfort zone and setting up rules, goals, and challenges for my Road to Recovery at home. Words can’t describe how much I appreciate all you’ve done/ do for me and I want everyone to know how incredible of a sister you are.
Thank you Mom for simply accompanying me during meals and for holding me accountable. I’m sure it can be stressful at times, but without you there, I would struggle to do it on my own.
Thank you Dad for never pressuring any decisions especially those that haven't been the most cost-effective. I know how much you strive to see my healthy and happy.
To the rest of the family, thank you for your love, laughs, and support, I love you all<3